So I get a bulk—er, standard—rate envelope, with no return address, and inside it is a plain white card with a weird abbreviation of the name of my bank at the top, and the amount of my original mortgage loan below that. The text reads

Your mortgage with [weird abbreviation of bank name] can be re-negotiated with a 5 year payment rate of 2.00%*. This yields a monthly payment of [Some amount not much less than my current P&I amount].

Then there’s an 800 number to call and a case number to reference. That footnote? In print substantially smaller than anything else on the card, it reads

4.66 APR/40 YR Term ADJ / P and I / [blah, blah] / excludes taxes and insurance / rates subject to change / certain conditions may apply
[Name of outfit making this offer] not affiliated with [weird abbreviation of bank name]

Really? I can sign up for a 40-year mortgage? With people who are so proud of their company that its name appears only in the smallest type on the card? Oh, happy day!