At the clinic today, I had to hang around for an hour to make sure the four injections into my belly fat didn’t go horribly, horribly wrong; and since the usual magazines there aren’t really suitable for killing time (and I didn’t know I was going to be in the group with the side-effect injections, so I didn’t bring a book), I looked through the January Esquire, where I found Ten Things You Don’t Know about Women, which seems to be a regular feature, written by a different celebrity woman each month. In January, it was Cheryl Hines, of Curb Your Enthusiasm fame. I’ve stolen the text and put it in the extended entry information, in case Esquire makes the original go away (or if you don’t want to look at their ads). From this, and from the current installment, I feel like I learned more about the guys these particular women date than about women as a class.
Cheryl Hines’s 10 Things You Don’t Know about Women, from Esquire’s January 2003 issue:
1. All women love to be referred to as “m’lady.” As in, “Would you like another beer, m’lady?”
2. We imagine all guys are a little bit angry when they masturbate.
3. When we start dating you and we’re “holding out,” the amount of time we wait has nothing to do with virtue; we’re hoping to lose ten pounds before you see us naked for the first time.
4. When we’re out to dinner with you and you leave the table, we basically pick up our plate and shovel in as much as possible. When you return, we resume the old “I’m so overwhelmed by all this food, I can’t even touch it right now” routine.
5. Every time we get a bikini wax, a little bit of our soul is ripped out. But you know how it feels: You go through the same thing when you get your back waxed. . . . Oh, wait a second, wrong magazine. You don’t know how it feels.
6. We know that we can instantly intrigue you by memorizing one stupid fact. For example, we’re at a party and you and I are talking. The conversation goes something like this:
ME: That’s so interesting that you make your own soap. Did you know that camels have three eyelids?
YOU: Wow! What are you doing Saturday night?
7. If you have a vanity license plate, you will get laid only by women with long, fake fingernails who describe themselves as “classy.”
8. More often than not, we use an adjective before your name when we talk to our friends about you, as in Squishy Steve, Flaccid Frank, Freakshow Charlie, or Perfect Paul. Makes you wonder, huh?
9. All women like getting paid for sex.
10. Everything sounds better when your mouth is next to our ear and you whisper it. Everything from “Sorry about the smell” to “I’m going to love you forever, m’lady.”